1. State Lines

Dear Matthew,

            You showed me what was to feel beautiful. You reflected lights of wonder and promise into my heart, and made me so sure of every word you said. You were a gift, and I could never thank you enough for that.

            Giggling senselessly, I could never sit still when you said my name. With cheeks flushed and a dream spread so wide, I adored the way you spoke of a future. Smiles would cement themselves across my face and my heart would race as if we had just gotten done dancing on the edge of something undeniably beautiful. Smitten. I admit, I was smitten. So many words would play through my head; yet, all I could ever do is stare into your eyes and feel a great release. I didn't know a man could talk so highly of me, if my own father couldn't keep his word to my mother. You gave me something more special and dear to me that I've ever received before- you gave me hope.

            It was day and night. I went to bed humbled and awoke in angst. The men in my life don't ever stay; these boys merely know how to build up my heart and then skip it across every pool of heartache. I have been liked by few and rid of by many. With this oddball, confusing end of whatever we had, I am terribly discouraged. I have this constant pit in the gut of my stomach that stretches at each fleeting memory of you. I don't want to let go, say goodbye, and pretend like this never happened. We ended because it seemed necessary, not because our spirits died. You can go on and live, but I'll stay here in wonder.

            I'm not one to just let things happen. I need comfort in an ending so vague. I feel completely foolish for burying myself in these burdens, and I can't control the tears as they fall. I don't want to be forgotten or put along the same lines as those who don't matter. Why didn't you fight for me? Men don't understand me... to be honest I give up after so many tries. I thought these state lines were no match for what we felt. I will never know what it is like to feel your heartbeat. We will never really know what this could have been.  

Farewell my boy,

Lila 

February 26, 2014

Bend, Oregon